East Meets West - My Cultural Identity 文化认同

This morning the instructor in my Music Identity class talked about her cultural experience as an African American musician. The students are all white except one black and I'm the only Asian in class. Even though the talk was mainly on white and black identity theories, I could relate to some of the issues that she raised. Our homework assignment for next week is to find a piece of music that we can identify with our racial background. This is an easy assignment for me, I thought, as I know so many Chinese folk songs and hymns. But when I think about it some more, the Chinese song would identify me racially but is there one particular song or music that could identify me culturally?

I live in a world of dichotomy. I was born and raised in Hong Kong when it was still a colony under British rule. I grew up in a rather homogenous Chinese cultural environment where I received a bilingual education since kindergarten. Growing up, even though I studied English in school, I was surrounded by Chinese people and no doubt I was one of them - I was Chinese. After I passed the standardized test in sixth grade, I was admitted to a missionary school where we were identified as "Western" school girls which was a honorary at the time. While we studied Chinese language, literature, and history in Chinese (Cantonese), we studied everything else in English. We had native teachers from England to teach us conversational English. As a matter of fact, it was chic to show off our language skills by mixing English and Chinese in the daily talk. We were educated! I remember one time when I was talking with my friends casually in the street, one older man heard our conversation came over and looked at us sternly and said, "Shame on you bastards (we were talking to boys) speaking half English and half Chinese. You are Chinese. Speak Chinese! All Chinese! No English!" Perhaps you would think the old man was rude but I did get a very strong impression from him. From then on, I promise myself I would strive to speak all Chinese or all English. No more mixing of Chinese and English in one sentence. In my heart, I was

When I came to the age to apply for a passport, we had to choose between British passport with no right to abode or Chinese passport for Hong Kong resident (not a true Chinese resident) and the argument could get quite controversial and confrontational. At the time, for no clear reason on my own, I applied for a British passport. Perhaps it's because I felt comfortable speaking English and I saw myself "Western" to a certain extent. But I would still consider myself a Chinese.

A few years later, I was in US and naturalized. I have lived in US for over 35 years now and every now and then, I would ask myself the same question - Am I Chinese or American? I eat Chinese food, speak Chinese, go to Chinese church, sing Chinese songs in community events but my Chinese friends think I am American. I was married to an American husband and ended in a divorce 18 years later. I received American degrees, worked in American companies and raised an American family. While my Chinese friends think I speak perfect English, some of my American friends think I speak with a light accent. Cute, they say, but there is still an accent. There is also the subtlety in the culture that makes me not quite an American. I don't understand the American jokes, I'm not an American history buff, I don't know the pop culture etc. As much as I think I am American, I am accepted by Americans only to the extent of school and work and beyond that, I am very much a Chinese in their eye, not American enough to be invited to their social or private life.

As time goes on, my lifestyle turns more and more American. I actually don't cook Chinese food that much when I'm home. I think of myself more of an American by now but I hang out with Chinese people. Can you ever deny your heritage? Sometimes I wonder. Since my divorce, I have been in relationships, mostly with Americans. One of my former boyfriends always got upset with me regarding my church life. I guess he felt frustrated because I was heavily involved with the Chinese churches and didn't pay him enough attention. He'd always say, "You speak English. Why do you have to go to Chinese churches? It's not main stream. You won't go far in life hanging out with Chinese people in this American society. I can go with you to an American church but I can't go to a Chinese church with you. You understand? Be American, not Chinese!" I resented his uninvited comments. We were together for eight years and now he is no longer in my life. I had another relationship in the past two years. I thought he was Mr. Right until things started to go wrong. One of his remarks stabbed me in the heart like a stagger. He said, "I prefer American to Chinese." So in his eye, or most men's eye, I was only a novelty, fun, interesting, good for something for a while but in the end, not good enough to be called wife because I am not American.

A few years ago, I colored my hair light brown to blend in with my grey hair (refer to my grey hair management posting). I was surprised at the reaction I got from work and my social/church circles. My American friends at work would go out their way to say how much they loved my lighter hair, it enhanced my skin tone and made me look much younger etc. It was thumbs up all the way. On the other hand, I got mixed reactions from my Chinese friends. The younger ones, 20's and 30's, would accept the color and acknowledge that it's a trendy color. It's ok, they said, unfortunately, I looked more Mexican than Chinese. And the comments from my older friends were pretty much the same across the board. "You don't look Chinese. Change that back if you could." The tone was gentle and friendly but the message was clear - "No! No!". Personally, I like the lighter color as it did blend in better with grey hair but am I defiant enough to keep the Mexican blonde look? Now my hair is back to medium brown. Sometimes I want to color it light brown again but somehow I've lost the energy to fight traditions. It's just the hair. Doesn't make any difference and quite frankly, I am tired of answering the same question - Are you really Chinese?

I can ramble on and write a book if I want. But this is a blog, let's not make it too long:) I can wrap this up with my recent travel experience to Melbourne, Australia. I was there earlier this year and it was hot and sunny, quite a contrast to the bitter cold winter in US. I love Melbourne. Clean, modern, great city layout and beautiful architecture. Just like San Francisco. I stayed in a rather posh area in Melbourne. One day I decided to take a walk to the river and saw some large, clear alphabets or characters on the pavement. I stopped and looked. I gathered it was "welcome" in different languages starting with English and then a bunch of languages I didn't recognize. In the very end, I saw 欢迎. There were probably ten to fifteen languages written on the pavement. When I saw that, I smiled. My whole life I juggle between Chinese and English and I ignore the many other languages in between. Cultural identity is not the same as racial identity. It is a mindset. If we can just see the person as who they are and not the labels tagged on them, this is a much better place to live in.

My daughter once had a video on her bi-racial identity, her conclusion is "she is everyone". I concur. I am who I am and I am content.

P.S. The pictures were from my blonde hair days. I did look different in the Chinese crowd.